Stains (November 2023)
The same mistake lingers in my head for hours,
days, weeks, after it happens,
and it sometimes comes back years later,
and I still feel shame for it.
Days, weeks, after it happens,
my mind is still being rent and pressed
and I still feel shame for it,
because any mistake is a stain on my being.
My mind is still being rent and pressed
by things that cannot be changed
because any mistake is a stain on my being
and I can’t wash them out.
By things that cannot be changed,
I am defined, I am explained
and I can’t wash them out,
but I do grow numb to them.
I am defined, I am explained,
I worry people define me by my stains
but I do grow numb to them,
one day I may very well not remember them.
I worry people define me by my stains
I worry that all they can say when they look at me is:
“One day I may very well not remember them”
And suddenly the first mistake seems very small indeed.
I worry that all they can say when they look at me is:
“The stains are too many, the marks too great”
And suddenly the first mistake seems very small indeed,
and yet, despite everything, I can’t clear my mind.
The stains are too many, the marks too great
and it sometimes comes back years later,
and yet, despite everything, I can’t clear my mind;
the same mistake lingers in my head for hours.